Sotto Voce

Bill Simmons – “The Sports Guy” – sports columnist for ESPN & Managing Editor of Grantland, wrote a column in 2002 called The 13 Levels of Losing – the concept is essentially based on defining, describing and ranking the most painful ways for a sports team to lose.

Given that being a Indian cricket fan is essentially an exercise in extended masochism, and in keeping with the spirit of the times – the zeitgeist, if you will – I’m going to try and come up with my own version (not necessarily 13), on the Indian cricket team in my lifetime and their myriad losses – based on games that I’ve seen or followed. Here they are in ascending order of painfulness.

Level 1 – The Almost Slumdog Moment:
A team on which there are no expectations, a team that, you know deep inside, pretty much sucks but suddenly starts playing well. You, against your better judgement, start believing that they just might pull it off, until the dying stages where the favourite recovers and stomps all over what could’ve been a David vs. Goliath story.

1992 World Cup, India vs. Australia, Brisbane, March 1992. Last ball. India needs 4 to win. Srinath hoicks it to cow-corner. Waugh drops the catch. They’ve run two. Set off for the third. And Muscles Raju is beaten to the crease by a whisker.

Level 2 – The Fatal Flaw:
Realising that, for all the superstars and great ones in the side, there is one fundamental problem with the team that goes beyond the actual loss. A transcendental Achilles Heel that can be seen by everyone but fans of the team (and Indian commentators and media).

The 2011 England Tour. Realising that India cannot play swing bowling. Continuing into the 2011-2012 Australia Tour, where they still can’t play swing bowling.

Level 3 – The Silverback Story:
The loss is devastating yes, but you take solace in the fact that the team gets pounded by a 800 lb gorilla – he just wasn’t playing for India.

1996 World Cup group game against Sri Lanka at the Kotla. India does great to post 270 plus, with Sachin scoring a then personal best of 137. And then Hurricane Jayasuriya strikes. My everlasting image of that game is of a clueless Azhar asking Manoj Prabhakar (in a career-ending moment) to bowl off-spin.

Level 4 – The “Jab Kismat Hai G***u, Toh Kya Karega Pandu” Phenomenon:
Those games where a dunderheaded umpiring decision goes to the opposition and robs India of victory.

Sydney Test, January 2008. THAT decision, with Australia on 193 for 6 and Symonds on 30, and Blind Bucknor refuses to see that redwood-sized edge that Symonds gets off an Ishant delivery – for crying out loud, Dhoni takes it almost in front of first-slip. Symonds goes on to make 162 not out.

Dis-honourable mention: The Madras tied test, 1986. Not a loss yes, but as good as one. Umpire Vikramraju, in his eagerness to make history, gives Maninder Singh out leg before even before the Australians appeal. Cold comfort: He never umpires again. The BCCI’s “Vengeance is Mine” policy starts this day.

Level 5 – The Aaquib Javed Conundrum:
Indian batsmen habitually make mincemeat of some great bowlers – ref Shane Warne. And if not making them look like club bowlers, at least play them much better than most other teams – ref Waqar Younis and Murali. But then Aaquib Javed shows up. With his hair gelled with kryptonite.

Wills Trophy Final, Sharjah, Oct 1991. An all-LBW hat-trick? Seriously? Aaquib Javed ends the game with a then ODI record of 7-37. This from a guy who averaged 32 against all other teams. His average against India? 24.

Level 6 – The “Yeh Kaise Ho Gaya” Game:
You’re expected to win. The opposition is Bangladesh, or Zimbabwe, or pre-1996 Sri Lanka. And you contrive a way to lose. Often hilariously, always embarrassingly.

You could also call this the Marillier effect. India vs. Zimbabwe, Faridabad, March 2002. Marillier strides out with Zimbabwe at 209-8, needing 66 to win off 34 balls. And the number 10 batman goes on to flay the Indian attack to all parts, including long stop behind the keeper, scores 56 (an ODI record for a number 10 batsman – see a trend developing here?) and steals victory like Dubya stole the 2000 election. And never plays another innings of note again – much like Dubya.

Level 7 – The Wheels All Came Off At Once Saga:
It’s a big game, the team’s played (unexpectedly) well to reach a final… you know where this is going, don’t you?

The 2003 World Cup Final. You really didn’t think they’d beat Australia, did you?

Level 8 – The “Haath Aaya Par Munh Na Laga” Epic:
It’s a tight game. A lone warrior (usually Sachin) stands in the way of defeat. It’s down to the wire. And the fates conspire to let you down. Again.

India vs. Pakistan, Chennai Test, January 1999. India needs 270. Sachin walks in at 6 for 2. Scores 136 to take it 254 for 6. And gets out. India collapse to 258 all out. And you can hear the Pakistan players cheer in Hyderabad.

Level 9 – India. Pakistan. Sharjah. 1986. Chetan Sharma. Javed Miandad. Last Ball. Six.

What else is left to say?